HOW DID I GET HERE:  Pins and Needles 

It is now four days since I file as Democrat for State House candidacy in the red state of Montana.  I have not slept well since then.  I've put myself in a position in this town of pushing upstream while the current is flowing downstream.  I don't know what's going to happen next.

I do know, however, that the next Sunday is the Annual Meeting of an organization for which I've been volunteering the past year.  At this meeting of the Board, a decision will be made about changing Board membership for the coming year.  I have been approached twice, once last fall and once this spring, by two different Board members about my interest in serving on the Board.  My original reaction is uncertainty since, get this, I prefer to do the volunteer work without getting involved in the politics of the organization!  Yeah, right!  But when the point is made that the Board is looking for people who are interested in the organization, I quickly affirm that yes, I am very interested.

The second person to ask about my interest in Board membership invites me to visit a Board meeting this spring prior to the one in which elections will take place.  She suggests that it will give me a chance to see how the Board works and decide whether or not joining it will be something I want to do.  I visit that meeting, observe the group and even feel comfortable enough to participate in a discussion.  This coming Sunday then are the elections.  I will be attending.

I am very nervous.  My filing on Monday is a secret between my daughter and myself.  What if word gets out too quickly about what I've done, that I've filed for elective office as a Democrat?  It might ruin my chances of being invited onto this Board.  Since first being approached, my interest in serving has increased and I'm looking forward to the possibility of an invitation.  I am aware that my name is already listed as a Democratic candidate on the Statewide legislative website.  I check after receiving my first survey.  Possibly someone on the Board has also seen that list, or has heard about it.  If so, will it have an impact on whether or not I'm invited on the Board?

In my head, I run through several scenarios.  My name will be brought up -- it only makes sense since I've been approached twice by different Board members.  The question then is how do I respond?  Do I tell them about my candidacy before the vote or just let it pass?  My worry is all about how big an impact my candidacy will have on the vote.

I walk toward the building where the Board meets.  One member doesn't seem to see me right away, not until I make a point of waving.  Another greets me soberly, making a point of the phone message she left, thanking me for installment of a faucet in one of the building's restrooms.  The meeting room is quiet as first arrivals begin arranging placement of tables and chairs.  I find a seat trying to be unobtrusive in this larger, more formal meeting of the Board.

Prior to the meeting's opening, a discussion across several tables between the President and Vice-President occurs.  In answer to the President's question as to proper procedure for elections, the Vice explains the slate of members for whom they will be voting.  There are the officers and then the rest of the slate.  It seems that all those who are currently serving will be up for re-election.  Am I hearing this correctly?  It seems I do.  The meeting is opened and the election passes quickly with no changes in Board membership.  My name is not brought up, not even mentioned.

I'm feeling embarrassed.  On my walk home, I review what has happened.  Did I miss something over the last month?  Should I have communicated with someone after the last meeting about my interest?  It's almost as if there were a discussion prior to this meeting and a decision made.

I'm devastated.  To what extent, if any, does my candidacy have on these elections?  I don't know.  But as several hours go by and I go over the meeting, my body begins to relax.  Maybe this is just the way things work in small towns.  My worries and concerns over what others might think begin to dissipate.  The Board elections are no longer a problem.  I'm free now, I realize, to act on my candidacy in the best way I see fit.  I begin to stand straighter, pull my shoulders back, and look forward to the challenge -- until tomorrow.  There are 24 hours before the deadline.  There's no going back after that.  Can I really do this thing?